what is new

when i was in mexico, if i did anything right-it was to spread my legs in the sea and give my swimsuit as an offering. she and i swam curiously towards several glowing orbs, bobbing on the water. aliens. for sure. getting closer, afraid-and closer, until several green luminescant birds shot up from their rest on the waves and flew cirlces around us. faeries! fore sure. their song was light and chirpy, unlike other sea birds, pelicans, gulls. we swam, floated, ducked waves and laughed hard. nipples tight from the cold, aware of our impermanance--drinking salty water as a souvenier.
obsessed i am-with abolutions, baptisms, coming out clean. obsessed with the end and the beginning and not a moment in between. without fail throughout my life, the sea graces me with such a ceremony--a dance in the fishy bath of beginnings. i'm home now. desert denial. nose bleeds and drunk of one beer. aware of the challege ahead. i cannot live for these moments alone, i have to meet folks eye to eye in darkness sometimes, i have to be sober when confronting my ghosts and dance little jigs with the seemingly mundane. nostalgia is the pepper on my lives cassarole. in between is the everyday meat. what have i been up to? working. if you ask "what is new" work is new. i eat and work and sometimes sleep if i'm lucky. i will not be getting baptized in the bath tonight. i wont pray for a sparkling new me to immerge after tonights supper. i'm going to try and simply let my spine relax in reality-grimy as it may seem, and when i spread my legs again someday in the ocean-i will be new. i'll be a woman who has finally learned to keep it real.